Aunt Flo

Always a bitch when she comes eh? Yup, got my period. Not pregnant. Blah.

I wish I had more to say bout it but i can't even wrap my head around the way I feel about it. I know i am upset but I just can't figure out what type of funk I am really in. I baked a cake today. that was fun. (See my other blog.)

After 4 pregnancy tests and ridiculous hallucinations of pregnancy symptoms, I get a negative. Why me?

I know it hard to get pregnant while breastfeeding, it really was stretch anyways, but i thought maybe it would be that hard for us, because we wanted it so much. We stopped wanted in bad though for a little while. We had a little tiff, or I should say that i had the tiff Greg usually doesn't argue with me. I just felt a little apprehensive and I need him to ease my mind let me know he was still on board and he didn't. It's sometimes hard to get support like that from him since I am the one that does all the moral supporting around here. I am the shoulder to cry on, the advice giver the one who will tell you like it is and who probably knows what to say all the time. So me going to others for that type of service is like the priest going to the choir. Not really practical.

A baby would have been ice. I had all these fantasies of my baby being born on the new year, the first baby born in 2009. How cool would that have been to go into labor on the day my mother was born and deliver a child on the first day of that year? Would have been really cool. I thought it was sign too because the hospital that Kendall was born in delivered the first child born in 2008 so I figured they would want to do it again with me right?

Dream on Chrissy.

Ah...good news is I can either try again or lose some weight...I want to try again but my relationship needs to get a little stronger to do that. We love each other. I just want to make sure I have an equal partner in this is all.

Right now you wouldn't believe that Greg and I are discussing why I can't talk to him about things. You would think he would be reading over my shoulder but he is not. He would rather just doze off and not pay any attention to what I am doing because that might mean he would actually have to think.

Okay I am sorry for bashing on him but he's getting on my nerves right now. I wish he would just go to bed. he never says the right things.

I'm going to bed now. To shut him up.

-No.

That's what it said on the pregnancy test. We bought a Digital Gold First Response. It's supposed to detect if you're pregnant 5 days before a missed period. Well I took it five days before I missed my period and then again three days before I missed a period and both were a No..otherwise known as a negative result.

My period is officially a day late as of today. By the end of today I will be two days late. I'm hoping that the breastfeeding is what's keeping the test from turning positive. I might have ovulated after i thought I did which according to my last period should have been on the 7Th. I didn't get a positive result with Kendall until I was five weeks along and if that holds true with this baby then I have to wait until next week.

I have all the symptoms, hungry all the time, bloated, nasty increase in discharge, swollen/enlarged boobies that are sensitive to the touch (I don't mind). I'm also hella exhausted too. I have insomnia and it's killing me. I have been up all night. I updated my new blog that i started when I made my first cake from class which by the way is going great. I just can't seem to get to sleep though. I sleep all day if Kendall lets me.

Can I say something? Why the hell do people assume I do nothing with my time? My aunt asked me to baby sit this weekend. I agreed because she is giving me a refrigerator for free, well in exchange for babysitting time. But come one...it's turning out to be once a month. Overnight stays too. And even if I wasn't exhausted from being possibly preggo I would have had my period this weekend and I am intolerable during that time. UGH. And my phone was off for an entire week. We couldn't pay the bill. Don't you know as soon as we turned it back on is when she called. During my nap no less. I just said I'd do it. I didn't feel like making a sob story and plus I told my aunt I thought i had a miscarriage in February and she just said oh..you guys didn't learn your lesson the first time? She is referring to us not using condoms. A bit unsympathetic.

My family still sees me as a kid, or at least someone they have to take care of. That's the only reason I ant to just get married. So they would at least see Greg as my caretaker and me as his. Greg's parents do the same thing. That's another reason we decided to have a child. We thought about it and weighed the pros and cons and made the decision based on us and what's best for our family and our situation. We're not telling folks until later because we don't want to hear it like we're school kids who just got pregnant before prom. We're at the baby making age, prime baby making age at that.

And it makes sense. i want to be a stay at home mom. I do eventually want to start a career so I might as well stay home with two if I know I want more than one kid right? It doesn't make sense to start a career that I would have to leave again once the new baby is conceived? No sense at all. Might as well get it over with now. At least get two of them together.

Anyway..going to try to finally get some sleep.

Still a work in progress...

So i know I suck at this whole blog thing. I don't have any followers as of yet so ha. To the one person who inspired to keep this up where are you?

Anyway, things are going good. We're dead broke but Greg is up for a promotion as soon as he can pass some test that I am helping him study for. good news is I am taking cake decorating classes so I can bake and decorate cakes on the side and earn some extra cash. Hopefully it turns into a full fledged business.

Kendall is 8 months old now. She has two tiny teeth coming in and I am guessing she is at least 21lbs by now. She is so chunky it's so adorable. She can pull up and stand up and crawl and mumble...all these amazing things that she couldn't do just months before. It's amazing to watch a human being grow up. It's even more amazing to watch them flourish mostly because of the way you take care of them.

I'll admit that I am not always the most confident Mom but i do a good job of hiding my insecurities, everywhere but this blog. People love it when I am wrong anyway since in my circle of folks I am seen as the know-it-all. people are constantly in competition with me and it's like they always remember when I lose. Which let me tell you if few an far between but never the less reality if only for a moment in time. Listen to me. I'm talking like a know-it-all too. I'm conditioned.

You don't believe me do you. Here's an example. I'll be over someones house and since everyone knows how crafty I am someone will show me something they have made and expect me to oooh and ahhhh over it. Even if it's great and I say so it seems that's not enough. I guess I have to goo goo over it to make it seem as if I am impressed and envious of their talents. I might be impressed but why want me to feel all green with envy? I assume that is what I am supposed to feel when the simple "Oh that's amazing" doesn't suffice. And this happens only with other Moms' that I speak to. It's like they say to themselves...oh if she can do it so can I. Not a bad attitude but don't assume that I should feel the same way when I see something you do and are good at. It's your talent and if I felt so inclined as to take a whack at it, I would do so, but I wouldn't need to be validated by their opinions of my work.

Ugh...tangents though.

Let's see...Greg and I are trying to have another baby. Yep. We started fucking like rabbits last week every other day like clockwork we are bumping bodies. We know we want a large family and he promised that this pregnancy was not going to be the same in terms of his attitude towards the whole thing. I believe him since he seems to have grown up a lot since we've met. So far his sister know,s My friend Syreeta knows, My Nana knows and anyone who checks my blog knows. Oh and all my fruity mommas online know...I tell them everything!

I'm pretty excited about it. The baby would be due on My mother's birthday if I were to get pregnant. It's kind of hard to get pregnant while breastfeeding so that's why we are boning all month long instead of just the week. i was supposedly ovulating last week but we'll see. I'll be back to post an update next week or so when I get my period or take a pregnancy test.

Here's hoping for the positive.

Spring Ahead

So it's March already.

I swear winter was (snaps fingers) that quick. It's already Daylight Savings Time. I am determined to stay awake to watch the clock go from 1am to 3am. I'm such a dork I know it. I always say I want to wait for it and I never do. The one on my cable box does it automatically so we'll see what happens. It's 1:25am now.

To pass the time I will write about how amazing my daughter is.

We are teaching her to read with the Your Baby Can Read stuff that you have probably seen on infomercials zillions of times. She is quite good. We started her at around 2 1/2 months and she now touches her toes and her head and her nose when she sees those words on the screen. She also claps now too, which I think is so cute.

Also, She has learned to pull herself up on the couch on her toys on my leg...anything. She hasn't crawled yet so I'm a bit concerned. Will she skip crawling all together? I highly doubt it. Well at least I hope not. I want my daughter to experience all that there is in life. No rushing it. It breaks my heart sometimes to see her moving swiftly through each of her milestones.

Which reminds me...Greg made me so sad today. Nothing bad just he made a comment about not being able to see Kendall when she first crawls. His exact words..."I'm going to miss it" As he watched me play with her and praise her for her accomplishments (She sorta kinda army crawled). He was trying to say that Kendall will crawl for the first time while he was at work and he would miss it. My eyes started to sting and as they welled up with tears I said "I'll catch it on tape...if you are not here."

It's hard for him. To go to work everyday. I see it on his face. It makes me feel so worthless to know that I get to play with the baby all day long while he is busting his ass. He has overtime tomorrow for 10 hours starting at 7am which means he has to wake up at 6am on a Sunday. I love him so much, and bless his heart, he loves me too. He works hard so I can stay home. The amount of guilt I have is immense.

I have to get over it though. My daughter is thriving. She's happy, well -fed and progressing beautifully. She says "dada" now. I love it. I was so glad when she did. I surprised Greg when he got home from work. I encouraged Kendall to say "dada for Daddy" and sure enough she did. Over and Over again. She also lights up when she sees him, I know he loves that. She does not do that for me at all.

1:38am.

That kind of gives you an idea of how fast (or slow rather) that I type. :)

I am trying not to type too loudly because I am sitting on the bed next to Greg and Kendall- they are both sleeping. before I started writing this post I was browsing Greg and my iTunes playlist. Yes, BOTH of us share one now. I don't know why it feels so weird, so committing. On Facebook I mentioned how to me combining our playlists makes us as good as married. It's true. We both love music and putting our tastes together in this way was very intimate. Now when we select shuffle when playing songs from the library, we're bound to get something from either side of our interests or something that crosses over. Whatever, I'm probably making it more than what it is but like I said, feels weird.

Only 1:45am.

By the way, Greg and I have been having some great sex lately. We're not using condoms still because we're numb skulls I guess. We're not going to learn our lesson until it happens again but for now we're perfectly fine thinking we're invincible.

By "it" I mean getting pregnant if it wasn't obvious.

I don't want to be pregnant, at least not really. I do miss my belly and I miss my daughter every move being like a secret between us. Sometimes she would just move for me because whenever I would put someone's hand to my belly to feel her move, she would stop. I always thought to myself that maybe she just did it for me. But then her Daddy would rub my tummy or say something sweet to her and she would be bouncing all over the place. She is definitely daddy's little girl.

11 more minutes.

Not that I don't want to do what I am doing. I'm just really tired. And I'm losing an hour to boot.
With Greg doing overtime tomorrow I'll be stuck here all by myself. We just bought a 2003 Dodge Durango and I still owe a friend of mine $1,000 so I really just want there to be some money in the account so that we could have a nice cushion to sit on while we finish getting our asses out of debt. The "Cookie Monster" is Greg's Ford explorer that is the same color blue as the famous muppet. Cookie Monster damn near shut down on us in a parking lot about 20 minutes from our place. He got us home though safe and sound. We didn't drive him again. I'm sad because that truck brought my Greg to me in PA and then saved me once when Greg had to come pick me up half-way back to PA from NYC when the bus I was on broke down, and it got me to all of my prenatal appointments and finally bringing my first born home. He's parked right outside the window. He looks sad too. But it was his time.

"We named the Durango Kit from Knight Rider because it's black-then we called it "nigga." Spare me whatever you feel like saying right now...it's not that serious.

6 more minutes until "3am."

I'm so going to sleep after this. I have so much claening and laundry to do tomorrow but it's good I will kill time until my honey gets home. I am going to set my alrm for him to get up. he can't be late for overtime or else he'll never get it again.

Ugh, 4 more minutes...this is dragging on now.

I know I have written about some pretty random stuff but I am just trying to kill time.

1:59am. Going watch the clock now...

3am. Going to half-ass spell check and hit publish post. Happy Daylight Savings Time.

Edited to say that apparently my blog is set two time zones away.

So I am not pregnant...

I guess I'm happy about it. I kind of wanted to be but then realized I really can't afford it right now. So there. But it would have been nice for Kendall to have a sibling close in age to her like I have with my sister. And plus I didn't want another C-section.

Kendall is 6 months old now. I can't fuckin' believe I have a 6 month old child. Even more so I can't believe I kept her alive. She trusts me so much to protect her and the thought of that scares the living shit out of me on a daily basis. That leads me to an admission...

I dropped her. Once.

Okay three times.

Each time wasn't what some would consider a big deal but for me they were the worst moments of my life. I don't even know why I am admitting to this. It makes me feel like shit. Greg says that I am a great mother and I am doing the best I can which is better than most. But I dropped my kid.

The first time she was about three months old. Her and I were sleeping on the couch together. I slept with her that way because people in my father's house when we lived there kept coming in and out of the house and her crib was right by the door. Also I didn't want people touching her on their way past. My father smokes and never respects my wishes when I say don't touch her with smoke on his fingers and clothes. Lord know where my sister has been or who she has been with so I don't exactly want her to touch Kendall straight from being outside either. So I held her. I tucked her close and turned toward the inside of the couch and that's how we slept.

Even after I dropped her.

I dropped her one night when I was dead tired. I felt her slipping from my arms as I was sleeping. She kind of slide down the side of the couch onto the floor. i guess she hit her butt hard because she started screaming. I guess she was startled and scared. I caught her as she started to slip but i didn't have a good grip on her so she slid/fell anyway. I wanted to kill myself.

Sadly I lived to drop her again. This time I was at my aunt's house. She was on a cruise with her boyfriend and I was at her house babysitting her daughter. I had been there for a week. I was also helping out around the house and caring for my uncle who had pneumonia. And watching my own child of course. Well the Wednesday I was there, I tried to catch a few minutes online with my online Babycenter.com private group. I was actually supposed to meet one of them finally, she lived close by and I cancelled because while I had Kendall sitting in her car seat, I didn't have her strapped in. And I forgot. I pulled the handle and she fell out of the car seat, slow motion-like and hit her tiny head on the laminate floor. I picked her up so fast and held her so she wouldn't cry. She didn't. She laughed. But again, I wanted to kill myself. I took her upstairs and cried all afternoon long. I lied to the girl that I was supposed to meet up with, I told her something was wrong with the computer. I feel bad for doing that but i can't bring myself to apologize because I'll have to admit I dropped Kendall to a board full of Mother's with kids the same age as mine. But I'll say it here...I'm sorry Allison.

The very last time happened when I first moved to this new place. About a month and a half ago. I was sleeping, again, and Kendall was on my stomach. I guess she woke up and wanted to play and she climbed over me and fell over the edge of the bed. I heard her crying and I looked down and saw her face down on the carpet. I picked her up and held her and said over and over again "I am sorry I am such a terrible mother" over and over trying to convince myself that if I said it enough she would forgive me.

She is doing just fine despite the falls and she will probably get hurt later on in life and I will still feel this way. I am haunted everyday with thoughts that maybe if she doesn't understand her times tables it's because I dropped her three times. Or if she doesn't get that part in the school play that she wants it's because I dropped her three times. Or if she needs glasses, or falls of her bike etc. I know it will never go away but I can't handle it.

I'm not making excuses, but I wish Greg stepped up more a s a parent. He does everything I don't do like work. That's about it. But if I did work then I would be doing everything. I just feel like he's a co-parent sometimes and I want him to take the reigns with Kendall more. but I feel guilty not working or that I didn't graduate college so i might as well raise my child. I don't even know if I am making any sense but i need to let this out. It was killing me. Still is.

Anyway, thank goodness I am not pregnant.

Back...

So I am back.

I've been gone long I know, even after I promised to keep up. Well you make plans and God laughs. Taking care of an infant is hard work. Here's and update:

Kendall is almost 6 months old now! She can sit up she can laugh and giggle and play. She is what some might call a "real" baby. Let me tell you she has been "real" for a very long time now but whatever.

Greg and I are doing great! We have recently moved into our own place which is sort of not true when you take into account that we are renting out the top floor of a two family home that his mother owns who by the way lives directly across the street. It's not bad at all though. I like that Greg 's family is able to help us out like that.

I am getting the hang of this whole motherhood thing. yeah, i cook I clean I bathe I nurse and change diapers....I'm the whole shabang. But just when I thought things where going smoothly bam...a whammy.

I might be pregnant again. Yep I said it...again. It makes me so angry to believe that I let this happen again. Greg and I have been using the ever so popular but ever unreliable, pullout method. Don't ask why but we just thought what are the chances right? I feel like a fucking idiot.

Anyway Greg is going to bring home a pregnancy test tomorrow, but I am prepared for it to be positive. My boobs are porn start huge and that's after Kendall is done eating. My nips are brown and I gained 4 pounds even though I have only been eating soup and oatmeal. Okay one day for breakfast I had pancakes but whatever. I've been extremely exhausted and the number one clue...no period. I'm three days late but the only other time I have been late was when I was pregnant with Kendall. So there.

Ugh...I'll keep you posted. I pinky swear.