Susie (Wait...No...) Chrissy Homemaker?

So my life has turned into diapers, daytime television, household cleaning and arts and crafts. I thought back to my junior year when I was still in Erie, Pennsylvania, right before transferring to PSU University Park. There was a girl that I shared a suite with in the dorms after being fired from being an RA that told me she was studying to become a Math teacher. That is until she got married and had kids. I remember thinking how stupid she was, making immediate judgements on the fact that she had spent four years in school to build a career as a homemaker, housewife, Stay at Home Mom etc. I remember thinking like hell I would let some guy's career come before mine. My kids can go to daycare and I can still be whatever I wanted to be which at that time I had no clue since I had just ditched my life long dream of becoming a doctor.

Somewhere between weed, class, sex and lots of secrets I lost myself. I became a senior in college 3 times and I still had no clue what the fuck I was really doing. I lost complete focus and started worrying about stupid shit instead of concentrating on what was real- the rest of my life. I met Greg almost a year ago now online and my frickin life has changed so much. After having Kendall and watching her day after day looking at me with trusting eyes I have to say life makes a little more sense. With that said, as I seem to be finding out more and more about myself everyday I stopped to look around for a bit. I took a deep breath and just scanned the room that surrounded me.

I stay in the living room of a three bedroom apartment in Queens. I live rent free with my boyfriend, my sister, my dad and my brother. Greg and I sleep on the couch with the bassinet beside us even though I sleep with Kendall on my chest (please spare me the bad mother, you could kill your baby lecture). I wake up when Greg leaves for work at 7am and I am up until we go to bed around 12am. Martha Stewart and the ladies of The View occupy my mornings after I watch the news and get some breakfast and coffee. Afterwards if nothing is on television I usually try to finish up a project I started. I am trying to create a portfolio of things I can craft so I can sell my work. I also 'think' about picking up a book to maybe finish my degree. That never happens because by now Kendall is up and alert and wants her Mommy's full attention. By then it's time for Greg to come home and I have to figure out what to do for dinner.

What the hell am I doing? Every time I talk to my family they all look at me as if I have failed them in some way. I see disappointment on their faces and when they aren't disappointed they are pissed at me for being finicky about how they care for Kendall. Excuse me if I don't want my kid around filth and cigarette smoke and bullshit excuses to drink excessively and daily.

CRISIS: I thought I had this thing together. I hadn't blogged or been on the computer for that matter in days so I put Kendall on my father's bed in her Boppy pillow and she went to sleep. Well she woke up hungry so I nursed her while I was typing this and burped her. Well she ended up pooping . So I changed her diaper. I put her back to sleep and she woke up to her own fart/poop again. So I changed her diaper once again. She woke up yet again crying this time. I smelled poop and thinking she couldn't have gone again I was proven wrong. this time however she had poop all the way up her back. So I took her to her changing table and took off her diaper.
As I turned her on her back to wipe the poop off of her back (which was literally up to her neck) I felt something warm on my arm. She was peeing. A LOT! I decided to just give her a bath. Doing everything with Kendall in one hand I filled up the bathtub and gave her a bath. ALL while sterilizing two more pacifiers because I just lost the other one. I had her towel over my shoulder and trying to maneuver a wet baby by myself (Greg usually helps) I dropped the towel in the water. I had to bring a wet baby to her closet to get another one. After drying her off, lotioning her up and getting her into a clean diaper, she threw up! Thank goodness she wasn't in a onesie already. Or so I thought. Once I got her dressed she threw up again! This happened for three onesies including the one I Kept on her because I figured it wasn't as much throw up as the others. I guess my eggs and bacon this morning didn't go over well with her. She is comfortably sitting back in her boppy on Dad's bed watching Spongebob. These are the times when I feel completely in over my head.

So back to the homemaker thing. I also clean the house constantly. It's filthy and there's always something to clean. I seem to do so much but get no where because as soon as everyone gets home they dirty more dishes or leave hair gel and toothpaste in the sink or urine on the side of the toilet. I guess I am used to living alone but there really shouldn't be any excuse. How am I supposed to move forward in my life when it already seems I am stuck in a routine? I don't see how I could possibly focus now when I couldn't even focus when I was alone. It's like I pick up after one baby and four adults! I only have one child.

And as far as I know it one life.

I just need to talk to someone. I had so much more to say but after that whole ordeal I wrote above I am exhausted and hungry. I need to take advantage of Kendall resting and find some lunch.

Getting my sexy back

So...

Greg doesn't find me sexy. He looked at another chick the other day and I was upset because it has been so long since he has looked at me like that. I miss being with him and we have been together since the baby was born but it wasn't sexy type you know? It was more like lets just have sex without the baby being inside you type. Anyway I got pissed because I already don't feel like myself and now I feel worse because we BOTH had a baby but I am the only one who looks like shit! It's so unfair. Really unfair. Whatever.

I bought a Yoga DVd yesterday and a scale....drum roll...I have lost 34 of 63lbs. 29 more to go and then I hit my pre-preggo weight. I still have to lose 20lbs after that ( I was dieting when I got pregnant). I am doing yoga because I want to build my core muscles and all that jazz. I want to be able to have a vaginal birth next time. I also want a flat tummy :).

As for me and Greg...we will have no more sex until either I feel he thinks I am sexy or When I feel like it. Meanwhile I will be looking cuter and cuter by the day and teasing him to no end.
I love torturing him so far.

WTF?

So I'm still pissed. At what? At the fact that my daughter will have a cousin with almost her same name. My baby's name is Kendall Christine. She has a cousin on the way in November who will be named Kennedy Crystine. Get this...the parents knew we were naming our baby girl Kendall Christine and they went ahead with it anyway. We also want to call our baby KayCie. Get it? Well these fine folks also want to call her Casey. UGGH! Really?

Thankfully they live all the way in South Jersey and our little girls will hardly be in the same room together. I've known about this for some time and it still irks me. Had it been the other way around I definitely would have changed the name. In a heartbeat.

Why didn't I just change my daughter's name? Because...Greg and I came up with that name the night we found out about her and we've stuck to it as it has stuck to us. Furthermore, my Godson was almost named Kendall and my best friend changed it so that my daughter could keep her name.

Me personally I wouldn't want my child to forever think that his or her name was stolen from someone else. I have a cousin with my middle name and it never posed a problem but still...be original. Is it really that hard? I even Googled my baby's name and found very little hits. Sigh. What can you do?

So what's my story?

So I'm new to this blogging deal. I've done it a few times before but never seriously. I would blog for maybe a week and then I'd quit.

I promise to keep up on this one.

Anywho, I don't know the rules of what is acceptable, what is cliche or what not so I am just going to start out by introducing myself. I am a 24 year old unmarried mother to a beautiful little girl named Kendall. She was born on August 11, 2008. Her father, Greg, and I have been together for almost a year. Yep only a year this October. We met on Match.com. I was in school at Penn State and he was here in Queens. I did a search for black men my age and he popped up. I was really only looking for a friend that I might be able to date once I got home. I was supposed to graduate in December of last year and I didn't want to have to find someone to hang out with on New Year's (ridiculously slutty I know).

Anyway, after talking for a month he decided he would drive up to PA to meet me and also drive me home for Thanksgiving break. Well needless to say we hit it off and we had sex on the first night...well every night during the 10 day duration of my Thanksgiving break. I don't know what the fuck I was smoking not using condoms but I blame it on the fact that I was on cloud nine. I didn't use my head and I wonder why it was such a surprise when I found out I was preggo.

I thought I wasn't pregnant because I was on birth control and I used the morning after pill but it seemed this was in the cards for me. I had taken a pregnancy test but it was negative probably because it was too early to take it. When I found I was pregnant I was in Walmart.

Yes Walmart.

It was four in the morning and my friends Cassandra and Tamaira and I were studying. We decided after careful consideration that I should take yet another pregnancy test. We went to Walmart right then and bought the two pack of First Response.

Two pink lines. On both tests.

Greg was down to have a kid with me (there wasn't even a second thought). We decided on names that night and it has been an adventure ever since.

The pregnancy wasn't too crazy, I gained 63lbs (shit!) and got stretch marks out the ass. I ended up laboring for 24 hours before getting an emergency C-section. 7 weeks post partum, I am 30lb lighter and missing my belly a little. I still have a ways to go. I might even be lighter now because I haven't been on a scale in weeks.

So far motherhood is nothing like I expected but at the same time everything I thought it would be. Of course there are ups and downs and everyday holds it surprises but all in all I wouldn't trade it for the world. That's what I started this blog for. I wanted to write down the things I go through on a daily basis.

Kendall has two Godmothers, one had my Godson in April and the other just left for London for a year last Thursday. I say this to say that there are people in my life who are at the same place as me and others who are so far from this that it's hard not to wonder where I would be if I weren't a Mom. I deal with these thoughts as well as thoughts of inadequacy and fear for the future.

My life has changed dramatically. What once took me 20 minutes now takes me all damn day. Like writing this entry for example. It has taken hours. I've changed three diapers, gotten spit up on twice and sang three lullabies before finishing. Not to mention being pregnant has slowed me down and I am not yet quite back up to speed. The things I wanted to do five years ago, shit even one year ago has changed. All for the better I hope.