So I am not pregnant...

I guess I'm happy about it. I kind of wanted to be but then realized I really can't afford it right now. So there. But it would have been nice for Kendall to have a sibling close in age to her like I have with my sister. And plus I didn't want another C-section.

Kendall is 6 months old now. I can't fuckin' believe I have a 6 month old child. Even more so I can't believe I kept her alive. She trusts me so much to protect her and the thought of that scares the living shit out of me on a daily basis. That leads me to an admission...

I dropped her. Once.

Okay three times.

Each time wasn't what some would consider a big deal but for me they were the worst moments of my life. I don't even know why I am admitting to this. It makes me feel like shit. Greg says that I am a great mother and I am doing the best I can which is better than most. But I dropped my kid.

The first time she was about three months old. Her and I were sleeping on the couch together. I slept with her that way because people in my father's house when we lived there kept coming in and out of the house and her crib was right by the door. Also I didn't want people touching her on their way past. My father smokes and never respects my wishes when I say don't touch her with smoke on his fingers and clothes. Lord know where my sister has been or who she has been with so I don't exactly want her to touch Kendall straight from being outside either. So I held her. I tucked her close and turned toward the inside of the couch and that's how we slept.

Even after I dropped her.

I dropped her one night when I was dead tired. I felt her slipping from my arms as I was sleeping. She kind of slide down the side of the couch onto the floor. i guess she hit her butt hard because she started screaming. I guess she was startled and scared. I caught her as she started to slip but i didn't have a good grip on her so she slid/fell anyway. I wanted to kill myself.

Sadly I lived to drop her again. This time I was at my aunt's house. She was on a cruise with her boyfriend and I was at her house babysitting her daughter. I had been there for a week. I was also helping out around the house and caring for my uncle who had pneumonia. And watching my own child of course. Well the Wednesday I was there, I tried to catch a few minutes online with my online Babycenter.com private group. I was actually supposed to meet one of them finally, she lived close by and I cancelled because while I had Kendall sitting in her car seat, I didn't have her strapped in. And I forgot. I pulled the handle and she fell out of the car seat, slow motion-like and hit her tiny head on the laminate floor. I picked her up so fast and held her so she wouldn't cry. She didn't. She laughed. But again, I wanted to kill myself. I took her upstairs and cried all afternoon long. I lied to the girl that I was supposed to meet up with, I told her something was wrong with the computer. I feel bad for doing that but i can't bring myself to apologize because I'll have to admit I dropped Kendall to a board full of Mother's with kids the same age as mine. But I'll say it here...I'm sorry Allison.

The very last time happened when I first moved to this new place. About a month and a half ago. I was sleeping, again, and Kendall was on my stomach. I guess she woke up and wanted to play and she climbed over me and fell over the edge of the bed. I heard her crying and I looked down and saw her face down on the carpet. I picked her up and held her and said over and over again "I am sorry I am such a terrible mother" over and over trying to convince myself that if I said it enough she would forgive me.

She is doing just fine despite the falls and she will probably get hurt later on in life and I will still feel this way. I am haunted everyday with thoughts that maybe if she doesn't understand her times tables it's because I dropped her three times. Or if she doesn't get that part in the school play that she wants it's because I dropped her three times. Or if she needs glasses, or falls of her bike etc. I know it will never go away but I can't handle it.

I'm not making excuses, but I wish Greg stepped up more a s a parent. He does everything I don't do like work. That's about it. But if I did work then I would be doing everything. I just feel like he's a co-parent sometimes and I want him to take the reigns with Kendall more. but I feel guilty not working or that I didn't graduate college so i might as well raise my child. I don't even know if I am making any sense but i need to let this out. It was killing me. Still is.

Anyway, thank goodness I am not pregnant.